We've all found ourselves in that uncomfortable and awkward place of wanting to support a friend who's suffering. We want to help but we're not sure the best way how.
DOs and DON’Ts OF HELPING A FRIEND
• Be there
Never underestimate the power of just showing up and being there. The presence of a friend is comforting, whether it's a shoulder to cry on, a reassuring hug, a laugh or just companionship. Some people assume a grieving person wants to be alone. My experience is that grief can be isolating, so those friends who have the courage to show up are a blessing. You'd be surprised how many people are afraid to do that.
• Listen
Stephen Covey said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Now is the time to just listen. More important than giving advice, or trying to fix it, listening is the best way you can support your friend. I love what David Brooks says about the power of listening and being present. He writes, "We have a tendency, especially in an achievement-oriented culture, to want to solve problems and repair brokenness - to propose, plan, fix, interpret, explain and solve. But what seems to be needed here is the art of presence... Grant the sufferers the dignity of their own process. Simply sit through moments of pain and uncomfortable darkness."
• Don’t make comparisons
Grief shouldn't be a competitive sport. Every relationship is different, and every person is different, so it makes sense that reaction to loss will be different. Nonjudgmental acceptance and support are the best thing you can offer. It's human nature to want to relate to someone by sharing your own similar experience, but this should not be one of those times. Keep the focus on your friend and his or her loss. Well-intentioned comments about "knowing exactly how you feel" might not be what your friend wants to hear. "I'm sorry" or "I'm thinking about you" will be better received.
• Offer concrete help, not vague offers
“Just let me know what I can do” isn't helpful. A grieving person doesn't need to add logistical coordinator to the To Do list. Tactical help is much better than empty offers. Walk the dog. Bring groceries. Arrange a carpool. Schedule a massage. Find a point person who can coordinate meals to avoid lasagne overload. See what needs to be done and make it happen. It will be appreciated.
• Stay away from cliches
"I'm sorry" or "I'm thinking about you" will be better received than one of the lame cliches people fall back on when grasping for words. "She's in a better place" could incite feelings of rage in a person who isn't ready yet to rationalize a loss.
• Think of grief as a marathon, not a sprint
In the early days following a loss, the village rallies (hopefully). There's an outpouring of love and sympathy. In time though, the village moves on to the next crisis. The calls and cards diminish. Unfortunately, this is the time when your friend most needs your support. The numbness starts to wear off and the real work of grieving begins. Checking in periodically, sharing memories, and letting your friend reminisce and process are all ways you can be helpful. As time passed, it meant a lot to me when friends would reference my mom casually in conversation or ask me something about her.
• No judgement
Or as my friends like to say, "No judgies." Have compassion and remember that everyone grieves in their own way. Try to be patient with a friend who is acting differently, either more withdrawn or suddenly more difficult. Yes, you want your old friend back, and the person grieving probably would love that too. Getting back to "normal" can take time.