I’ve often wondered why grief affects us so differently. Why is it that some people seem to quickly process a death and move along without a hiccup? Personally, I doubt it’s as easy as that for them, but I’ve definitely seen the full spectrum of responses. Why do some grievers get stuck? Why do others subvert or ignore their feelings? Is it personality type? The nature of the relationship to the deceased? Life history or past experiences?
With my mom’s death, it was the perfect storm. First, I have to admit, I’m not a person who adapts to change quickly. Transitions are not seamless for me. With big life changes, I’ve tended to need more time to process than the average person. Second, I’ve always been an empathetic person who feels things deeply. Rosie used to always reference my big heart and tell me what a gift that was. My attempt to live life with an open heart has generally been a positive, but it hasn’t always been the easiest path. It comes with consequences. Third, and most significantly, it was the relationship my mom and I shared. She was my person. We had a stronger connection than many mothers and daughters. As independent as I was, I relied on her more than I realized, primarily as a source of unconditional love and emotional support. She was a constant presence in my life, and we’d become even closer in the years since I’d become a mom myself.
I started writing a lot after my mom’s death, as a way to process all of my feelings, but eventually because I also thought I could share some of my experiences with other “grief rookies.” I pictured something you’d find on the self-help shelf, “A Modern Mom’s Guide to Grief.” Over time though, I realized there isn’t a book that can lead a person through the complex and sometimes overwhelming range of emotions associated with loss. I’ve learned just how personal and inward the journey is. It’s not something that can be outsourced, as convenient as that would be. Grief, I’ve learned, is about endurance. It takes time, courage, patience, stamina and grit. Hang in there friends. It will get easier.
